I Want to Be Free of That
I just had some thoughts. What do I really want to do?
I mean, yes—this is my life now. But it kind of just feels like I’m going with the flow. Doing things because I “should.” Because of this backup voice that tells me I have to.
(Oh, sorry—the backup voice? It’s probably expectation. Maybe mine, from different points in my life. But they’re not mine anymore. I’m just too afraid to admit that. Maybe because those old goals somehow became my parents’ expectations too. Or maybe I’m just afraid to quit—afraid that five years of effort would turn into nothing. Afraid of starting over. Or worse… doing nothing.)
I still live at my parents’ house. I have no steady source of money. The thing that keeps me going is this idea that once I get money, I’ll finally get to be myself.
But I’ve been lost for a while in this “going with the flow” mode… And now, I don’t even know what I want to do anymore.
It’s weird, I know. Or maybe it’s common?
I’m 22, almost 23. Ten years of childhood. Ten years of just doing school, following rules, checking boxes. And now, suddenly, I’m supposed to know who I am?
I’m only just beginning to be self-aware. To analyze myself. To try to know myself. So why do I feel this pressure, like I should’ve figured all of that out already?
Like by now, I should have money. Maybe even be married? But… why?
Where is this pressure even coming from?
Why do I keep telling myself that things have to be a certain way? Why do I carry this fear, like I’ll be judged? Like my life has to be a perfect story with no restarts?
I don’t want to live like that.
I want to be free of that.